


Trying For You

by hislightherdarkness



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, First Time, Jesper and Wylan make an appearance in this, Kaz and Inej are demis for each other this is a fact I don't make the rules, Trauma is acknowledged and talked about because it is important to their characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:54:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27279073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hislightherdarkness/pseuds/hislightherdarkness
Summary: This takes places six years after the end of Crooked Kingdom and what I imagine their first time would be. Also, I headcanon that Kaz and Inej are demisexuals, and you can read more about my thoughts on it here: https://mysoftboybensolo.tumblr.com/post/630828318712905728/characters-that-are-demisexual-part-2#notes
Relationships: Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa
Comments: 6
Kudos: 44





	Trying For You

Six years. Six years since they held hands on the dock, since Kaz started to very slowly shed his armor for Inej. It wasn’t easy, for either of them, but they wanted it to work, wanted to be able to be vulnerable with each other. It started with learning how to feel comfortable with the simple touches, holding hands, hands to cheek, hugs. A little under a year did Kaz want to try to kiss her; it was a small kiss, quick, but it was enough to make Kaz feel his heart go berserk. Inej had held back a smile, pleased to see him trying, pleased to see he wasn’t drowning. The kisses over time managed to become longer, from soft and innocent to deeper, filled with a deep love that left them breathless.

Inej had times where the memories of the menagerie haunted her, and she hated that they came when she was with Kaz, but he was patient, always kind, just as she had been kind to him. It was because of this that she managed to twist those memories into fantasies, fantasies where Kaz was ready to shed his armor completely and hold her, kiss her, make love to her. She felt like some stupid schoolgirl with how often she had thought of Kaz like this, but she had to remind herself that she was allowed that pleasure, allowed to retain some semblance of the innocence she lost.

Over the years, Kaz and she had managed to sleep together, sleep in the most innocent form possible. It started off with simply sharing a bed, learning to feel safe to be vulnerable with the other, sleeping on each end with their backs to the other. Then it turned to them sleeping facing each other, seeing the other’s face before surrendering to sleep. Hands touching had been initiated by Kaz, feeling bold, feeling ready, cuddling by Inej, who held Kaz close to him, and silently promising him her protection and her love.

One day, as Kaz returned to his room, escaping the sun shower that had come out of nowhere he saw Inej laying on his bed, wrapped up in his sheets. She had shed her wet clothes and wore a shirt of his, her hair loose from its usual braid. There was just something, the way that the sun shone on her skin, which was still slick with the rain, making her skin seem golden, making her hair look softer than a raven’s wing, that drew Kaz in.

He had seen her sleeping in his bed many times, allowed her to come and go when she wished, but this time, it made him feel warm, achy. Carefully sitting beside her, he removed a glove to let his finger glide against her cheek, brushing a strand of hair from her face. His attention was brought to an exposed shoulder, his shirt being big on her and slipped just enough for him to want to touch. Her skin was warm, it was always warm, and with the rain, it made it extra soft, and his senses were titillated. Her scent became stronger, her touch sent shivers up his spine, and then the low moan that escaped her lips, followed by the sound of his name spoken in the same way, that had undone him.

It was then he realized, the moment when he knew, he was ready. He had wanted her, for a long while he did, but his fear of touch prevented him from coming through his desire. But now? The years had helped him learn to push through enough to be something of a proper boyfriend to Inej, give her the affection and the love she needed, and now, he felt he could take this next step, if she wanted.

She at last stirred, becoming aware of a comforting touch. Opening her eyes, she smiled, but murmured an apology. “No, it’s alright. You know you are welcome any time.” She sighed, turned on her back to stretch and Kaz felt his cheeks go warm. He felt ashamed to think of all the times he imagined her in his bed like this, how her body would arch like it did now, but without the protection of his shirt. He turned from her, feeling disgusting, feeling like one of those men who had visited the menagerie. “Inej,” his voice was low, hoarse, “If…if I said that I wanted to try,” he looked back at her, seeing her looking at him, “What would you say?”

Sitting up, she looked at him square in the eyes. Was he being serious? They have had the talk before, as they wanted to know how far their relationship could go, what were the boundaries, what was limitless? They both agreed that they wanted to try one day, but when they were both ready. She hadn’t been sure that the day would come, whether it would have been because of her or him, but it had. “I’d say, that we should try. At the very least try.”

His lips twitched, betraying a hint of a smile. Inej smiled, feeling her cheeks grow warm. “Very well. When?” He wanted to be able to plan it for her, make this right for her.

“How about tonight? I’ll stop by Wylan and Jesper’s, get ready and come back here.”

“Have dinner with me,” he spoke, wanting to occupy as much time as he could with her. “Come back at seven bells.”

She nodded, unable to truly believe this. He left her so she could change back and out she slipped to Wylan’s. The past six years had taught Wylan and Jesper to not expect Inej when she was home; more and more frequently, she had been staying with Kaz, which prompted them to tease her using them as a fancy storage unit. But despite the teasing, they understood that whatever held them back from moving the typical speed for most couple, Kaz and Inej only seemed to get better and more comfortable with each other.

Wylan noticed something was different about Inej, a nervous excitement was bubbling under the surface, and the way she looked to the clock, as if desperate for time to speed up. “Have a big date tonight?”

Inej blushed and she said, “Kaz and I are having dinner.”

“You’ve always had dinner together. What makes tonight different?” As soon as the words came out, he put it together and gasped. “Oh, oh?”

Inej hushed him, not wanting Jesper to hear. “Please don’t say anything, especially to Jesper. I don’t want him to say anything to Kaz, and I don’t know if I can bear his teasing.”

“My lips are sealed,” he vowed, then quietly asked, “How do you feel about that?”

“Nervous, obviously, but not in the way I’d imagine. It’s mixed with this excitement that makes me feel like some silly schoolgirl. Is that wrong?”

He shook his head. “No. It’s not wrong, Inej, because this is your first, your real first time. All those other times don’t matter, they don’t count, because they weren’t real, they weren’t wanted. Allow yourself to feel renewed, allow yourself this happiness, you deserve to have something go right for you.”

Wylan always seemed the most sincere to Inej, so to hear his advice made her doubts diminished, and when it was time to go to Kaz, she moved with the lightness in her feet and in her heart.

Kaz wanted this to be right for Inej, her favorite meal, her favorite flowers, candlelight, he even tidied his room for her. It wasn’t much, just a plain room needed only for sleeping and working in, and he wondered if he should make it nicer, dress it up a bit. Then the thought hit him, if he dressed up the room, it might remind her of the menagerie and he didn’t want to do anything that would make her think of that horrid place, not a hint, not a whisper. He wanted to be able to give her new memories to cherish. Then it was a matter of him. Could he give her what he hoped to give her? Could he really make it through and fulfill those dreams he had for so long? Time could only tell.

Seven bells tolled, and before the last toll, he knew she was here. Turning, he felt a lump in his throat to see her, not that she dressed any differently than from what she usually wore, but the look on her face, the gleam in her eyes. It was in that moment, a first in their lives, a first in the Barrel that two people stood, feeling completely innocent.

Inej had spoken first, smiling. “Smells good.” She went to sit down, but Kaz had been quicker to pull out her chair and tucked it in. It wasn't the first time Kaz had done this, but it was the first time Inej felt incredibly flattered by the gesture. He sat across from her and at first it had been a quiet affair, small talk had broken the silence, but after a glass of wine, they both seemed to feel relaxed enough to talk as they used to. Kaz watched her through the firelight, thinking how there couldn’t be anything better than being here with her. Well, sitting in a fine house with four million kruge and Inej beside him, that would be the dream. But this was just as fine.

Once the food was all gone, Kaz got up using his cane, moved to Inej’s side and offered an ungloved hand to her, hands that Inej noticed had been ungloved the whole time she was here. Taking his hand, she stood and still holding her hand, he rose her arm up to his lips, kissing the scar from the removal of the tattoo she received against her will. This gesture was the first kiss that Kaz ever gave her, a simple gesture that still now made her heart flutter. Letting it down to hold her hands, they just stood there looking at each other. He said nothing, but his eyes were unusually tender, frighten even.

Often she had forgotten it, but in this moment, she remembered with a force like a ton of bricks, Kaz was a true virgin. He had admitted that to her, that day when they spoke about their boundaries, that Inej had been the first person he had ever kissed, the first person he had ever truly loved. “I guess,” he tried to explain it to her once, “I never cared about it, never felt the desire to do it, until I realized that I was in love with you. Anyone else, it sickens me, and maybe that’s because of what happened, or I have always been like that, I couldn’t say. But, you don’t sicken me.”

He had worried that it came out wrong, but she understood that Kaz wasn’t always the best when it came to expressing his feelings, and that he meant it in the nice way, that he wanted her because he loved her. She often felt that way too; years ago, she had thought there was something wrong with her, that when she tried to give herself pleasure, nothing happened, and it made her feel broken. But when Kaz came into her life and her feelings for him grew, she felt those urges the girls spoke of, and when she tried again to give herself pleasure, she thought of Kaz and a whole new world of feeling exploded within her.

Now, it was her chance to make those fantasies come true. “Kaz?”

“Tell me what to do,” his voice low but soft, “What should I do?”

“Well, why don't we try with a kiss?” She stands on her toes to press a chaste kiss to his lips. He wraps his arms around her waist, letting the cane clatter to the floor, carefully pulling her close, deepening the kiss. They kissed for a while, just getting used to being so close, building up to the actual event.

Inej broke the kiss, looking up at him. She wanted to say, what? Say how she dreamt of this moment, how she longed for him, how she loved him. It seemed to cliché to say, and clichés weren’t really Kaz and Inej’s thing. All she could do what place a hand on his cheek, watch as he tilted his head to kiss her palm, then let her hand slid from his cheek down his neck, and over his tie.

He watched as she undid the tie, sliding it off from his neck. Feeling that he ought to do something, his fingers worked on her buttons, and they both realized that they were trembling. Dirtyhands, Bastard of the Barrel, leader of the Dregs, nervous, reduced to tremors, all because of the woman he loved. He managed to remove her vest, feeling a sense of accomplishment that is until he realized he had to help further undress her. Before they moved further, they kicked off their shoes themselves, Kaz had to lean on Inej, using his cane know would have felt like a mood killer, but it elicited a sweet laugh, easing tensions. They took turns, wordlessly helping the other remove an article of clothing. She had seen Kaz shirtless before, had even memorized, she knew everything, from his tattoo, to his scars and the smallest mole, but seeing him shirtless now, it made her feel warm, eager.

She pressed a kiss to his collarbone, a gasp escaping Kaz’s lips, prompting her to trail the line, until she felt his fingers on her buttons and pulled away from his skin to allow him better access. Kaz had seen women’s bodies, he wasn’t a stranger to their look, but Inej, nothing prepared him for her. Even just seeing her with her bindings made him blush furiously, and as his fingers hovered, unsure if he ought to, Inej showed him where it came undone and as the material slipped from her, he was certain he was beet red. He never been so close to actually seeing them, never touched a breast, but his fingers itched to touch, to run a thumb over her dark nipple. But he refrained, feeling that it wasn’t right now.

Taking advantage of the moment, Inej, want to going to her knees and undoing his trousers. She froze, a small but sudden memory came to her and it made her heart rate rise, closing her eyes as if to prevent from seeing the memory. “Inej?” Kaz’s voice calls her back, the rise of panic in his voice, leaning forward to check on her.

“I’m alright,” she breaths, “Just keep talking to me.”

He says nothing at first, then softly says, “I love you. I love your endless faith, your compassion, your dedication and strength. Every time I see you, all I want to be is worthy of you.”

As he spoke, Inej had settled her heart and helped him with his trousers, feeling his hand balance itself on the dresser beside them. She didn’t dare to look, but rose to her feet, softly giving him thanks for helping through that. She hoped that’s be the only time the memories would interrupt her.

Kaz placed a hand on the dresser, making himself get to his knees. Inej watched as those skilled hands which broke into even the hardest of locks, struggle to undo her belt and trousers, eventually getting to it and with all the gentleness within him, slipped the last remaining clothes from her body. He pressed a kiss to her knee, a kiss in a kind of reverence, like she was a holy shrine he’d worship at. Saints meant nothing to him, not when there was Inej to worship and praise. She helped him to his feet and only then did they really look at each other.

Saints above, Inej thought, he was beautiful. Tall, lean with strong muscles that Inej had the urge to run her hands over. Kaz couldn’t think of anything beyond how beautiful she looked, lithe, bronze and supple. Kaz reached for her braid, and like he had done so many times, and yet still made his heart flutter, he undid her braid, fanned it out until it fell around her shoulders and back. This is what perfection looked like. With that done, neither one was quite sure of what to do, how to start. All that Inej could think to do was step up to him, wrap her arms around him and lay her head against his chest. Kaz returned the gesture, his arms around her waist, his hands on her back, her long dark hair grazing his knuckles. For Kaz, this was the most he had ever touched a person, skin to skin, and he was reeling.

Intimacy was a commodity that had been scarce in the menagerie, and if it appeared, it was false intimacy, bought and paid for. But this, Inej was shocked by how such a simple touch, a simple gesture could move her to tears, tears of joy. Kaz shut his eyes and breathed her scent in deeply, bracing himself for the wash of the rising water. But it never came. Instead, he remembered her words to him so long ago, when he had dared to try and admit his feelings. I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker, or I will not have you at all. Have me, Inej, I am without armor, and I am yours.

After a long time, Inej looked up at Kaz and kissed him. He responded with a gentle kiss that quickly grew deeper, passionate. When they broke the kiss, Inej pulled back from his embrace, took his hand and without breaking eye contact, lead him to the bed. His heart once again raced, watching as she climbed backwards on his bed-their bed- and pulled him down to hover above her. He looked down at her, his hands unable to touch her, not wanting to make a wrong move. “Tell me what to do.”

“Kiss me Kaz. Kiss my lips.” He did as he was asked, groaning as she buried her hands through his hair. “Lower.” He moved to kiss her neck, sucking on that particular part that Kaz knew made her weak at the knees. “Lower.” Lips grazed against her skin, creating goose bumps as he placed little pecks on her breasts, then boldly flicked his tongue across a nipple. Her gasps sent an electric shock up his spine and he realized just how hungry he was for her. “Lower.” His hands followed the curves of her waist, her hips, his lips trailing down the valley between her breasts, over her toned stomach. Lower. She doesn’t say it, but he knows that’s what she wants. And what the Queen of the Barrel wants, she gets.

His hand caresses her thigh as he kisses the inside, making her adjust her legs, parting them and rising them, making Kaz slip his hands around the warm flesh before he moved his lips lower, nervously kissing her center. A sharp gasp escaped her lips, making Kaz stop and look up at her, worried he did something wrong. “Keep going,” she moans. His blood is boiling with desire at this point, making him return to the spot with a growing passion. He listens to her moans with keen interest, does as he is commanded, a little softer there, move a little to the left, right there, right there. Inej’s eyes were shut closed, her mouth parted to allow the soft moans and gasps to reach his ears. She felt it coming, the build in her stomach, until it came out, strong and unexpected, the wave of pleasure.

She opened her eyes wide as she laid there gasping, stunned that it could happen. Kaz rested his head against her lower abdomen, catching his breath. Hearing her voice and moans, feeling as her hands ran through his hair, a gesture Inej knew he adored, he nearly came himself, and needed a moment to recollect himself. He wanted to make sure he last, last long enough to make love to her. Moving up to lay beside her, he brushed a strand of hair from her face, making her open her eyes. They looked at each other, smiling softly, pleased with themselves that they managed through without trauma.

Inej looked down at Kaz, biting her lip in contemplation. He could see the struggle inside her, should she do the same as he did her, doesn’t every man want that, the menagerie men did. “Hey,” he whispers, his hand to her cheek which made her look up at him, shaking his head, “Not if you don’t want to. I just want you.”

She sighs, feeling relived. Maybe one day she’d return the favor, but she’s too afraid that the memories will come back and she won’t be able to continue. Inej sat up, her hand on Kaz’s chest, gently forcing him to lay back. As his head made contact with the pillows, Kaz stared up at Inej with awe, allowing her to do with him as she wished. She sat on his thighs, just short of his manhood, and he gasped at the feeling. So light, so soft, so beautiful. He didn’t believe in Saints, but in a moment of desperate weakness, he prayed that he would make it through with no water, no bodies, no Jordie. He chuckled darkly and short, dead or alive, what a terrible time for Jordie to show up.

Inej licked her lips, soft breaths escaping her parted, her small hand took hold of him, making his eyes widen and a moan escape. Only in the secret of his rooms, in the dark all alone had Kaz ever touched himself, so to feel her, feel her soft hand on him, it nearly ended him. Eyes locked on each other, Inej shifted and carefully joined them together. Kaz gasped loudly, his eyes squeezed shut, sitting up to grab Inej and hold her close. She heard his strangled gasps, trying to calm himself.

She suddenly remembered that night so long ago on the boat, when she demanded Kaz gave her a reason to stay, demanded that he’d shed his armor or else she wouldn’t have him. As her fingers brushed up and down his neck, her lips pressed to his temple to give little kisses, she realized that she had her wish, this was Kaz without armor, this is Kaz giving her his vulnerability, his insecurity, his last remaining purity, and trusting her fully with it. Her heart swelled with love at the revelation, and she moved to look at him in the face. He looked so helpless, so trusting like a child. There was Kaz Rietveld, the farmer’s son, the bright eyed, carefree boy who believed in magic and hope; he wasn’t dead after all.

Her hands cradled his face, his dark eyes warm and a faint smile. He kissed her, his hands running up and down her back. He wanted to feel her skin, no, needed it. Funny, the one thing that terrified him was now the one thing he needed to comfort him. That’s only because it’s Inej, his mind argued, only Inej. She moved her hips slowly, watching to see how he is, but he flutters his eyes closed, a deep moan rumbled from him, surprising Inej. He kissed her, then, with his forehead pressed to hers, eyes barely open, he says, “Make love to me, Inej.”

She moved her hips again, this time a more steady and slow rhythm. Kaz and Inej held onto each other, as if they are the only ones who can protect one another from drowning, as if they let go, there wouldn’t be a world worth going back to. His arms are strong but gentle around her, his face fitting perfectly in the crook of her neck, allowing him to press feverish kisses to her shoulder. Her breasts were pressed against his chest, a sensation that Kaz never realized how much he’d love until now. Inej smelled the clean scent of his hair pressed against her nose, her hand buried in the soft hair, softer than a raven’s feathers, and her hands blindingly explored him, catching the scars, small and large, the muscles that flexed and relaxed under her touch.

Trauma had no place here, not when they were feeling so, what could the words be to describe this feeling? Elated, pleased, happy? In love. Inej knew that love couldn’t always be the saving grace, the magic healing touch for everything, but after all the hard work they put into getting here, was it wrong to allow love to be enough? She loved Kaz, loved him because he trusted her, because he came back for her when no one else did, gave her freedom even if it meant the possibility of never seeing her again. He was selfless, no matter what he said, no matter how what his reputation said, Kaz was selfless and good.

“Inej, Inej, Inej.” He speaks her name in desperate reverence, unable to form any other words. Let the saints be damned, they weren’t worth shit compared to Inej. She was the image of perfection, the one and only reason to live, to fight, to love, to change. He’d love her for his whole life and forever beyond if there was a beyond, and in that moment he hoped there was, so he could be with her forever. His lips trailed up from her shoulder, the line between, the curve of her neck, the flushed cheek and the sweet lips. Kisses that dared ask possession of the other’s soul, kisses that allowed it to happen.

He tried to help, tried to move his hips to match hers, but it was irregular, poor at best, but Inej kissed his forehead. “It’s alright Kaz,” she breathed, a moan passing her lips, “Touch me.” Her hands guide his to her breasts, showing him how to knead them, then she went back to clinging to him. His hands were slender but large, and they captured all of her, cupping them adoringly, his thumbs rolling across her nipples. A surge of desire hit her when she felt his lips capture on, kissing, licking and sucking. “Oh Saints, Kaz!”

He needed her lips again, unable to go for long without them. Kaz whimpered against them, a sound Inej had never from him, he clung to her helplessly, and soft glorious moans reached Inej’s ears and she knew he was close. “Yes,” she hoarsely spoke, “Please, oh please!” Was she speaking to him or to her saints, Inej couldn’t tell, but she wanted it to be real, that it was really going to happen, that this was beautiful reality and not a cruel dream. Inej’s face was pressed against his cheek, hot on hot, and she was hit by the scorching sensation of pleasure. Her hands gripped his hair a little too tightly, but he didn’t notice, not when her moans were so close to his ear, that sweet music that made his eyes roll back and the feel of her tightening around him, pushing him over into pleasure with her.

After riding out the pleasure, they held each other, that same desperate way, the only sound in the room was their breathing. Kaz froze when he felt something wet against his cheek, making him pull back to look at Inej. “You’re crying.”

“You’re trembling.” Kaz was in her arms, trembling like a leaf, tears in his eyes as well.

“I’m just…so happy.”

She offered a smile, her thumb wiping away a tear that fell from his dark eyes. “So am I.”

He wiped his eyes, disengaged himself from Inej and with wobbly legs, went over to the wash basin and brought back a damp cloth. Inej wasn’t sure what he was doing, but when he sat back down and began to clean her, new tears sprung to her eyes. “Kaz Brekker, you are a filthy liar. Who says you aren’t a sweetheart?”

He chuckled. “To no one but you, Inej. You.” After she was cleaned, he lifted her to only place her back down against the pillows and brought the duvet over her body. Inej watched as he slipped into bed, enjoying the way his body moved in the light. He pulled her close, her head resting just above his heart. “How do you feel, my treasure?”

She smiled at his nickname for her, snuggling closer to him. “The happiest I’ve ever been. And you?”

Cradling her face, pressing a kiss to her forehead, he sighed. “I’m flying, Inej. I’m flying.”

They laid there together, walls broken down, in love, and happy.


End file.
